"What does a regular day look like for you now?
Right now, I’m missing The Price Is Right; thanks a lot. A regular day is structured around my wife and son. I am secondary to their schedule. But my days — I was just in California with some people. It was business related. So I do a lot of that, and I do a lot of pro bono work, as they say in the legal industry. But mostly I sit on the edge of the bed and stare at the floor. That’s why I was stunned when you — “Did we have to call and pay them to come?”
Right now, I’m missing The Price Is Right; thanks a lot. A regular day is structured around my wife and son. I am secondary to their schedule. But my days — I was just in California with some people. It was business related. So I do a lot of that, and I do a lot of pro bono work, as they say in the legal industry. But mostly I sit on the edge of the bed and stare at the floor. That’s why I was stunned when you — “Did we have to call and pay them to come?”
You mean when we asked to do this interview?
Yeah, “Is there anything we can do for Dad? He’s getting a little …”
Yeah, “Is there anything we can do for Dad? He’s getting a little …”
Was it hard to adjust to civilian life?
It’s still hard. I have trouble operating the phone. That’s the God’s truth. I needed a pair of shoelaces. And I thought, Hell, where do you get shoelaces? And my friend said, there’s a place over off I-84, it’s the Designer Shoe Warehouse. So I go over there, and it’s a building the size of the Pentagon. It’s enormous. If you took somebody from — I don’t know, pick a country where they don’t have Designer Shoe Warehouses — blindfolded them and turned them loose in this place, they would just think, You people are insane. Who needs this many shoes? It’s sinful. It’s one of these places where there’s no employees and every now and then there’s just a scrum of shoe boxes. I’m not finding the damn shoelaces, and finally I think, Maybe it’s one of those items they’ve got at the counter. I go up there and I’m nosing around the counter and, by God, there’s shoelaces. This is after about an hour. So now I’m waiting in line and the woman checking people out says in a big loud voice, “May I help our next shoe lover, please?” I just started to tremble. Nobody else seems to have a problem with going to a store! You don’t want to have painted yourself into some elite position where it’s “Bob, go out and get me some shoelaces.” It makes you feel stupid. Here’s where I’m comfortable: There’s a bait-and-tackle store near my house. They’ve got guys in there, and you can buy live bait, you can buy artificial bait, they’ll put new line on your reel. You can talk to them about rods. They’ll tell you where to go for a largemouth bass. That’s exactly where I want to be.
It’s still hard. I have trouble operating the phone. That’s the God’s truth. I needed a pair of shoelaces. And I thought, Hell, where do you get shoelaces? And my friend said, there’s a place over off I-84, it’s the Designer Shoe Warehouse. So I go over there, and it’s a building the size of the Pentagon. It’s enormous. If you took somebody from — I don’t know, pick a country where they don’t have Designer Shoe Warehouses — blindfolded them and turned them loose in this place, they would just think, You people are insane. Who needs this many shoes? It’s sinful. It’s one of these places where there’s no employees and every now and then there’s just a scrum of shoe boxes. I’m not finding the damn shoelaces, and finally I think, Maybe it’s one of those items they’ve got at the counter. I go up there and I’m nosing around the counter and, by God, there’s shoelaces. This is after about an hour. So now I’m waiting in line and the woman checking people out says in a big loud voice, “May I help our next shoe lover, please?” I just started to tremble. Nobody else seems to have a problem with going to a store! You don’t want to have painted yourself into some elite position where it’s “Bob, go out and get me some shoelaces.” It makes you feel stupid. Here’s where I’m comfortable: There’s a bait-and-tackle store near my house. They’ve got guys in there, and you can buy live bait, you can buy artificial bait, they’ll put new line on your reel. You can talk to them about rods. They’ll tell you where to go for a largemouth bass. That’s exactly where I want to be.
This is the kind of question you’ll probably blanch at, but, you know, even a schmo like me —
That’s right, you’re a schmo.
That’s right, you’re a schmo.
Just a schmo.
Send the schmo to talk to Letterman!
Send the schmo to talk to Letterman!
Just
in idle moments now and then, I’ll have dumb things pop up in my mind
that I’m proud for having done in my career. Standing in the line at a
DSW or wherever, do you ever have those little flashes where you think
back with pride about the work you did?
I don’t have those kinds of memory flashes. Somebody will say, “Remember when so and so happened,” and I’ll say, “Jeez, I sure don’t.” (Letterman’s diminutive bandleader and comedic sidekick) Paul Shaffer and I get together about once a month and have dinner, and nothing about the show ever comes up. Memory lane is closed for repairs."
I don’t have those kinds of memory flashes. Somebody will say, “Remember when so and so happened,” and I’ll say, “Jeez, I sure don’t.” (Letterman’s diminutive bandleader and comedic sidekick) Paul Shaffer and I get together about once a month and have dinner, and nothing about the show ever comes up. Memory lane is closed for repairs."
