Tom
Brady picks me up in a nice car. He says, “Get in,” and I do, and we
drive fast. We are listening to some dogshit on
the radio that he likes. Even in my fantasy, I can’t imagine he likes
good music. I turn it down and say, “Hey, what happened where is your
supermodel wife I thought we were all spending the day together?” and he
pulls over and takes my hand and looks in my eyes and says: “I didn’t
invite her because I wanted to be alone with you. Yes, she is beautiful
and the mother of my children, but you are smart and funny and I’ve been
waiting to have sex with someone with a real body, a real ass, who has
lots of bad angles depending on the lighting, and I want to be with you
and not that supermodel who does yoga on the beach a lot.” I sit
silently for a few seconds. Then I get out of the car and apologize for
what I have just done to the seat and I run down the highway screaming,
“I knew it!”
• Will Smith
and I are filming a movie. We step out of our trailers—and no one is
around. I say, “Hey, Bill” (inside joke even
though I have never met him). “Where is everyone?” He looks over my
shoulder and says, “Oh no, they’re here.” I turn around
slowly, like crazy-ass slowly. And I see them. Tons and tons of zombies.
He grabs us a bunch of guns and lasers. We kill them all. We get all
sweaty and we look really hot. And I say something cool like “They
didn’t even see it coming.” Not that but something cool.
• Barack Obama
and I are at a restaurant in New Orleans. I am eating alone when the
waiter says, “Barack sent you this.” And it’s a glass of Lagavulin 16
year. My favorite scotch. I acknowledge with a nod and finish my meal.
Like I’m the coolest bitch ever. We walk out without talking, and go to
Preservation Hall and watch a bunch of different amazing jazz musicians.
We smoke cigars and drink scotch and never say a word to each other.
• Bradley Cooper:
Anal.
Anal.
• Tracy Morgan and I sit in a hibachi restaurant; he makes me laugh until I can’t breathe.
• Keith Richards
and I end up at a late-night party in Amsterdam where Prince, Cat
Power, Wu-Tang Clan, and Ani DiFranco are all hanging out and playing
music until dawn. We make out but just for a second.
• Steph Curry:
I ask him who he is. He tells me—I think it’s basketball. He asks who I am. I tell him, Chelsea Handler. Then we spoon and watch The Land Before Time. Why that? How about it’s none of your business what we do!!!
I ask him who he is. He tells me—I think it’s basketball. He asks who I am. I tell him, Chelsea Handler. Then we spoon and watch The Land Before Time. Why that? How about it’s none of your business what we do!!!
